


IDFC

by sweeterthankarma



Category: Actor RPF, Divergent - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Drunken Confessions, F/M, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 07:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11375622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweeterthankarma/pseuds/sweeterthankarma
Summary: I watch Shailene carefully as she speaks to the interviewer, rambling on about how great of a "friend" I am. I almost want to laugh. I force the memory of last night- of how her lips tasted, how we woke up, tangled in the cheap hotel bedsheets, and how she awoke me with a kiss on my cheek and her fingers on my chest- out of my mind.For a moment, I wonder if she'll drop a hint.She'd just gone off on a tangent, talked about how our good personal friendship led to their onscreen romance.Bullshit.But I don't fucking care.Based off the song "IDFC" by Blackbear.





	IDFC

_ Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face  _

 

"Theo's my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without him. I know he has my back all the time, and he'll always be there for me." 

I watch Shailene carefully as she speaks to the interviewer, rambling on about how great of a "friend" I am. I almost want to laugh. I force the memory of last night- of how her lips tasted, how we woke up, tangled in the cheap hotel bedsheets, and how she awoke me with a kiss on my cheek and her fingers on my chest- out of my mind and focus on the necklace around her neck, the one I had bought her a long time ago, for her birthday, before we had ever even kissed beyond the cameras. She fiddles with it absently as she speaks. I pay attention to the way the amber jewels shine in the sunlight and try not to listen to her when she says, "he's a genuine person who really cares about me. We really get each other, on an extremely deep level..."

For a moment, I wonder if she'll drop a hint. She's dancing dangerously close to the blanket that held our bodies last night. I almost want her to lift it up, to tell the interviewer and the whole world that we're more than costars, even more than best friends. But what good would that do anyways? Why do I care if people know, if we have each other? Maybe it's because I only have her in the night, in the dark, when she's lonely and simply wants someone to touch her. I feel the same way she does about our little repetitive one night stands, at least when it comes to the physicality- but little does she know that just being in the same room with her is enough for me. I'm awestruck every time I see her, like a foolish 18 year old virgin. Every night we spend together means more to me than she knows, because it allows me to pretend that she's mine, in a deeper way than simply being my go-to fuck buddy. I allow myself, in those moments, to think that I love her, and that she loves me, through more than just sex.

My attention is back to reality when I hear Shai mention "our characters." Something in my stomach drops. I don't know why it surprises me. Of course she's talking about Four and Tris and their chemistry, not our own. She'd just gone off on a tangent, talked about how our good personal friendship led to their onscreen romance.

Bullshit. 

 

_ But I don't fucking care.  _

 

The interviewer shakes our hands, gets up, and we're left sitting in silence until the next one comes along.

 

_ You've been out all night, I don't know where you've been, you're slurring all your words, not making any sense. _

 

It’s been a long day filming and I’m sitting alone in my trailer, an abandoned book on my lap, flipping through the movie channels with a bottle of beer next to me. I can't find anything to watch, and I'm just about ready to switch it off and go to sleep early tonight when someone knocks on my door.

"Theoooo," an all too familiar voice calls, sounding muffled and needy. I stand faster than I'd like to admit, shutting off the TV and putting away the food, then walk to open the door.

Shai stands in front of me, wearing a loose flowered sundress with spaghetti straps. She wears no makeup as usual, but her eyes are darkened in the moonlight and her lips are red, like she rubbed lipstick on them right before she walked in. There's some of it on the corner of her mouth, on her skin. I raise my hand, about to rub the excess color off the corner of her mouth, where she smudged it, but drop my hand once I decide better of it.

She doesn't notice. She hurries inside, slamming the door with more force than I would have expected. Next thing I know, she's pressed against my chest.

"Kiss me," she begs- no, demands. Her hands wrap around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to her. The last thing in the world I want to do is stop her, but I thought we had decided we weren't going to do this. We had spoken about a month ago about how now that she was seeing this new guy- Brian- we wouldn't be together...in that way. She was the one who came to me, saying things needed to change, to stop. Now she's the one pursuing me?

I let go of her waist- I don't remember putting my hands there- take a step back. 

"Shai, what's going on? What's wrong with you?" I ask. Looking closer now, I can see that her eyes are glossier than usual. She isn't acting normal, that much is clear to see.

"Nothing," she whines, coming close again. "I just want you, damn it." She looks up at me, batting her eyelashes. "Don't you want me?"

She lifts herself up onto her toes and pulls my face closer to hers. She's so close I can practically taste her breaths, and I can smell the alcohol lingering on her. That makes more sense. I sigh. I want to get lost in her again, I do...I miss her body, even if it isn't rightfully mine to miss, especially not now that she's with this new guy.

It takes all my strength not to kiss her, as she stands in front of me and  _ asks  _ me to. 

I run my hands over her hair, trying to distract both her and myself from the closeness of our proximity. "Shai," I say quietly, talking to her as if she was a child. "How much have you had to drink?"

She shrugs out of my arms, as if insulted by my accusation that she may be slightly intoxicated. "God, Theo, I only had like two beers. Don't act like I can't handle it, you know I can." She laughs and winks at me flirtatiously, but it's not real. It's not the same as the time she caught me staring at her on the red carpet, in that way she's used to when we're only alone, when she had turned so I could see the cut out of her dress, exposing her bare skin, and turned and batted her eyelashes and then acted like nothing happened. It's not her right now, it's not like that. But when she crushes her lips to mine, I forget that entirely.

 

_ Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake _

 

She does it before I can stop her. She holds a fistful of my shirt in one hand, grasps the back of my neck in the other, and pushes herself flush against my chest. It's a desperate, longing kiss, and I don't pull away, even though I know I should- because the real Shai wouldn't want to do this, and she wouldn't want me to allow it. Shai presses me against the back of the couch, then jumps and lifts her legs around my waist. Her mouth moves sloppily against mine, her teeth tugging on my bottom lip. She lets out a breathy moan, and I can't stop myself, my hands slip up her shirt, against the exposed skin of her waist. She whispers my name and I have to pull away, I have to let her go or I know I won't be able to stop. But she keeps kissing me, even when I place her back down on the ground, even when I move away. 

"I love you," she whispers. She brushes the hair out of her face and then looks up at me, unflinching and fearless. "I do," she says again.

"Theo, I-"

The doorbell rings.

"Shit," she says loudly. "If that's him, I swear to God, I'll kill him. What the fuck, who does he think he is following me around-"

I grasp her arm. "Who is it? Who's following you around?" My chest tightens at the thought of someone making her feel unsafe or unprotected. "What's going on?"

She rolls her eyes. "That dumbass Brian," she says. My heart leaps hearing her insult him, and I'm ashamed of it. "We went out tonight. It was going fine until he wanted to take me back to his apartment. For, you know." She gives me a look. "I told him I'm not really in the mood for that, at least not with him, and told him to bring me over here. He wouldn't take me, he got all defensive and protective. It's so dumb. We've been going out for a few weeks. That's hardly dating."

A part of me enjoys this causality about her, even though she is under the influence and out of character. She's revealing the truth due to it, though... _ right _ ?

"So I stormed off and came over here myself. And on the walk back, I don't know, I just started missing you. I missed your kisses," she leans up and presses her mouth against mine slowly, lingering, before running her hands down my chest. "I missed your body..."

Her fingers slip under the hem of my sweatpants, and I let out a breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. My self control is about to completely disappear if she even dares to do anything else. She bites her lip, and looks up at me with a more mellow version of that hot and bothered stare she'd given me before- this one is more like the innocent, yet flirtatious Shai I know. 

Brian knocks at the door, more aggressively.

"Shailene baby, open up. Please, let us talk," he calls. Anger stirs inside me at the simple sound of him calling her "baby".

Shai looks up at me, desperate, as if begging me to do something about him. She's close again, and the proximity, yet lack of contact, is almost painful. 

Then her expression turns neutral and she turns and walks away, opening the door, and flings herself into Brian's arms. The sting from the moment before becomes a searing stab, and I have to look away.

"Shailene, what're you doing here?" Brian asks her, kissing the top of her head. His tone isn't angry, he talks to her like she's a little child. If I were him I would be angry at her running away from me, but only because I know she'd like it. The majority of arguments we've had before ended up the way we just were, or even further. She's feisty and fierce and doesn't take no for an answer. Neither do I. That's what fuels our energy, when we're both separate and apart. Brian on the other hand, seems to only say yes to her.

"What's up?" He asks her sweetly. 

She shakes her head, looking up at him with a smile. She didn't smile at me a few seconds ago, just looked at me with those hungry eyes. There was some sentiment, but let's not forget she had just barged into my apartment without asking and tried to get me to hook up with her again. The realization sinks in me like a stone. 

She just wants me for sex. 

"I'm sorry I ran away," she says to him, not turning around. "I just got upset. I'm on my period, you know, I'm kind of emotional. I'm sorry."

Brian consoles her, running his hands through her hair. He looks awkward when she mentions her period, and I can't help but think of the time she sent me to buy her tampons and I did without even a sliver of embarrassment, and then how when we rehearsed a scene that night I massaged her stomach because she'd said she had cramps. 

Shailene laughs loudly, and jumps into Brian's arms. She kisses his cheek, sloppily, and the whole scene is so unexpected, so cliche that I can't process it. The only sign that I'm not dreaming is my swollen lips, still throbbing from her mouth that's now on this other man's. I clear my throat, unable to watch anymore. Shailene drops to the ground and turns around and looks at me as if I'm a stranger. Brian gives me an apologetic look.

"Thanks for taking care of her," Brian says. "Sorry if she bothered you."

He sounds so possessive, minus the threat I almost wish he'd have, so I'd have a reason to argue. I want to scream, to ask who he thinks he is explaining her to me, when God knows I know more about her than he does. But instead he's just like the parent talking to the baby sitter, and I can't fight that. More than anything, though, I want to tell him that Shailene isn't his, that she's probably not anybody's at all. But I don't say anything. Or at least I don't think I do. I can't feel anything. I stare straight ahead and try to block their silhouettes out of my vision. Right before the door closes I see them, hand in hand, and all I can do is I collapse on the couch and squeeze my eyes shut. The only thing I hear is blood rushing through my ears. I get that familiar feeling of tears pricking at the back of my eyes, and I sit up and rub my face.  _ I will not cry _ , I tell myself over and over. I say it enough times that I start to believe it, and the feeling starts to go away. I grab a blanket and lay on the couch, focusing my eyes on the vent in the ceiling. I stare at it until my vision blurs with exhaustion and fill my mind with a new phrase, the only one that gets me through the night. 

" _ I don't fucking care. _ "

 

_ I have hella feelings for you, I act like I don't fucking care, like they ain't even there, cause I'm so fucking scared _

_ I'm only a fool for you, and maybe you're too good for me, but I don't fucking care _

 

The next morning I awake and thank God, the memories don't come all at once. When my eyes first open, the first thing I remember are her begging, desperate hazel eyes peering up at me, and that's enough to make me want to stay inside all day. But I force myself to get to set since I'm already late, and it's only when I'm on the way there that I remember how she kissed me, how she touched me. I'm filming a scene with Keiynan when I suddenly remember her telling me she loved me, and I mess up the scene so badly, three times in a row, that Rob lets us take a break. 

I'm standing against the wall rehearsing when I hear a familiar voice. Shai is talking to Zoë, laughing about something they have to film in one of today's later scenes. Shai didn't have any scenes to film until this hour, so she's here later than usual. I catch sight of the back of her head, her golden hair brushing her neck and the Abnegation tattoo on her shoulder, and I see her and Brian walking away together out of my apartment. I look down and drill the lines into my head, scanning the page over and over and praying that Shailene doesn't come over to me.

She does, of course.

She stands by my side, peering down at the script. "This is gonna be such an emotional scene," she says.

"Yeah," is all I can reply.

I glance at her, and she holds my gaze. We stare at each other for a long time, my heart thudding in my ribcage. Her lips part, her breath catching ever so slightly, and I realize just how desperately I want to steal it away from her again, to press between all the space there is in front of us and just express how much I feel for her. How much of whatever it is- love, lust, friendship gone wrong, or just mere appreciation that she simply exists in my life- is creating a hole inside of me and how much I wish she could feel it, to mend it. 

But I step away instead.

"Are you okay?" She asks, and then rephrases it. "Are we okay?" Her eyes cloud over with an expression I can't read.

I touch her shoulder, entirely on the fabric of her shirt, and force myself to smile at her. "Yeah, we're fine. Why wouldn't we be? We're best  _ friends _ , after all."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic probably about 2 years ago, and I'm actually proud of myself for it because it's always hard for me to write stories that don't have happy endings. I love to make my characters happy, but I felt like a positive ending just wouldn't fit for the song it connects to, and I felt it was realer this way. Any comments would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading :)


End file.
